off-the-wallflower child

God sang as He commanded creation He danced too... Bent down and smiled at the sun Stirred space a little And Earth danced along At the perfect angle around the sun He stood up straight Cocked His head to the side Hands akimbo Threw His head back And laughed The angels broke into a chorus And clapped their hands to a rhythm Swayed side to side And stopped He continued in a solo And began to mold my eyes Then drew my lips He frowned in concentration Then paused His song Closed His eyes And let out a long baritone end The happy chorus began again Feet thumped the ground And fueled the rhythm I heard a saxophone then, and drums A grand piano and tambourines and... He grabbed my hand and we danced We danced and danced... Then I feel a gush of air on my face I breathe, then cry... I am alive. Caffeine

Do you want to know the truth about 2009? Yes. Yes, now. Now, I remember why I awoke breathless. Only just some, really. Every night I am afraid to sleep. I wouldnt wake up. Like of mercy and forgiveness and strength and grace, I am afraid. Because what if I am forced to hell when I dont wake up. I am afraid so... I would feel my chest for my heart beat and close my eyes... I said, 'Please, just this night.'. I am at the edge of a cliff and the water below is angry. Wind in my face. Cold, wet, salty. I am barefeet. The sand is mossy. I squeeze my toes and look down. The height is hypnotic and I want to lean over. I bend down to kneel. I swear, I hear the water cursing... I stand, I am afraid now. I stop rocking on my heels and toes. And turn around. I cant hear my feet above the sound of my heart racing. Yet as I walk away from the edge I panic a little. I cant see the rough waves or the reflection of the flat grey clouds along the deep ripples of the dirty sea; and I panic. I...

Do you want to know the truth about 2009? Roused by my raging thoughts I am awake after only two hours of uneasy sleep, perhaps for the third time in that time. And my head. My head is drumming with pain. Then, I idly reach for the rock glass by my bed and drown my mouth with Baileys. I fall back to desperate sleep. And escape. From my sleep I sit up fast and confused. The clock on my phone, 5 mins fast, reads 03:05. I want to cry cause I cant sleep. Everyday for months I cant sleep. Then, I turn to my curtains drawn apart and I see the bright skyline of Leeds city centre. I had hoped though, when I shut my eyes just about three hours before that itd be noon and Id be forced to see the light. And let go of my afflicted guilt and... Its dark and the thoughts I ran from are back. And my head. My head is drumming in pain. I start to choke on short wheezing breaths. I cant go back to sleep and its not bright outside... And my head. My head is drumming with pain. Do you want to know the tru...

Do you want to know the truth about 2009? Im laying on the ugly green rug in my old room. Its late morning and the sun is shining. I know that because I see the light, a thin line under my drawn curtain. And thats all the light in the dark room. Oh, except for the dull glow of my laptops hibernating LCD... And the annoying flash from my phones as they ring silently... There are many months leading to today. So dont get confused when... As I lie there with an annoying bout of hiccups, punishment for the constant crying, I am praying. 'Jesus, Jesus... Jesus, Jesus, Jesus...' I just lie there praying, 'Jesus, Jesus...' I am the third, mute monkey... With my hands on my mouth. Except I choose not to free my lips, not because of wisdom to speak no evil. I am scared to ask forgiveness and mercy. I choose for my burdens to silence my prayer, why? Thats the battle... And its a bloody fight. The battle of faith and unbelief. No. The battle of strong belief against a crippling fa...

Do you want to know the truth about 2009? Im staring from the corridor, through the door into my new room, at the box spilled out with clothes and books, perhaps subconciosuly thinking of the ugly green rug I really cant see. The ugly green rug I cant see... Hm, I had an ugly green rug in Leeds too... My flatmate catches my distracted eyes, follows my line of sight and sees the mess. I'm conscious quickly and guiltily explain, "Oh, Im just still unpacking from Leeds." She says, "Oh. You went to Leeds this weekend again?" Now, now, a sincere and curious question... So, I say, "Yes," yet thinking, "No you idiot I havent time to unpack all week..." Yet thinking, quietly now... biting the nails of my shaking thoughts... "And well, Im scared if I unpack now, I finally would have left those memories of Leeds behind." And that... "Im angry that I failed to... Leeds. Live it. Love it." I say then, "Yeah, I went to Leeds aga...

When I listen to music. I feel the resonating pulse. 'Swear I feel threads weave tightly round me. Growing the rhythm [not suffocating]. Everytime. I feel in my head, my body, soul, spirit. Our marriage is conquered by passionate love. And I cannot imagine living without her. Music is Life. Caffeine

A toy angel is strung to a toy plastic helicopter and they swoop in to the stable under the big star to save baby Jesus from a toy dinosaur and three toy army tanks. All the while, the sound of the fast blades of the helicopter against the wind come from dreadful mouthful imitations of war combat. His tilted head and the slightly aggressive way he says his name is classic. The absurdity and foolishness of the plot is how I like my comedy. Well, some. Caffeine

There is something worth dying for. No, l ove exists, and love is worth dying for. Idiot. Caffeine

Or I think I do? ' I, Caffeine Anonymous, take you... ' One journey ends and another begins with the declaration of names. Fear and doubt only in the first, and risk in between... ' F rom this day forward, to love and to cherish... ' Yes, nothing beats firsts - first love, first kiss, first bloody blog entry!! Now, I hardly ever, ever, ever make promises I can't keep. So before I complete the last of my vows and swear eternal commitment, let's get to know each other better. Let's court, shall we? Ah, afraid? Doubtful? How far will we go before boredom, laziness or indifference do us part? I f ever I complete my vows and pledge my body, soul, time, and ever so [sigh] my everything, then it should be forever. Forever ... Uh... Perhaps we should hang on to what we already have? Mutual respect. And with no promises yet. So, I vow, from this day forward to love and to cherish you... When I feel its worth it, I will not hesitate to take, I will commit till the ...