off-the-wallflower child

Do you want to know the truth about 2009? Roused by my raging thoughts I am awake after only two hours of uneasy sleep, perhaps for the third time in that time. And my head. My head is drumming with pain. Then, I idly reach for the rock glass by my bed and drown my mouth with Baileys. I fall back to desperate sleep. And escape. From my sleep I sit up fast and confused. The clock on my phone, 5 mins fast, reads 03:05. I want to cry cause I cant sleep. Everyday for months I cant sleep. Then, I turn to my curtains drawn apart and I see the bright skyline of Leeds city centre. I had hoped though, when I shut my eyes just about three hours before that itd be noon and Id be forced to see the light. And let go of my afflicted guilt and... Its dark and the thoughts I ran from are back. And my head. My head is drumming in pain. I start to choke on short wheezing breaths. I cant go back to sleep and its not bright outside... And my head. My head is drumming with pain. Do you want to know the tru...

Do you want to know the truth about 2009? Im laying on the ugly green rug in my old room. Its late morning and the sun is shining. I know that because I see the light, a thin line under my drawn curtain. And thats all the light in the dark room. Oh, except for the dull glow of my laptops hibernating LCD... And the annoying flash from my phones as they ring silently... There are many months leading to today. So dont get confused when... As I lie there with an annoying bout of hiccups, punishment for the constant crying, I am praying. 'Jesus, Jesus... Jesus, Jesus, Jesus...' I just lie there praying, 'Jesus, Jesus...' I am the third, mute monkey... With my hands on my mouth. Except I choose not to free my lips, not because of wisdom to speak no evil. I am scared to ask forgiveness and mercy. I choose for my burdens to silence my prayer, why? Thats the battle... And its a bloody fight. The battle of faith and unbelief. No. The battle of strong belief against a crippling fa...

Do you want to know the truth about 2009? Im staring from the corridor, through the door into my new room, at the box spilled out with clothes and books, perhaps subconciosuly thinking of the ugly green rug I really cant see. The ugly green rug I cant see... Hm, I had an ugly green rug in Leeds too... My flatmate catches my distracted eyes, follows my line of sight and sees the mess. I'm conscious quickly and guiltily explain, "Oh, Im just still unpacking from Leeds." She says, "Oh. You went to Leeds this weekend again?" Now, now, a sincere and curious question... So, I say, "Yes," yet thinking, "No you idiot I havent time to unpack all week..." Yet thinking, quietly now... biting the nails of my shaking thoughts... "And well, Im scared if I unpack now, I finally would have left those memories of Leeds behind." And that... "Im angry that I failed to... Leeds. Live it. Love it." I say then, "Yeah, I went to Leeds aga...